What if!!

 I was wondering if I could do something over, would my life be different? On Monday night I watched American Ninja Warriors and there was a guy in his mid twenties who had Cerebral Palsy. He wore braces on his legs when he was a kid and now he is competing on American Ninja Warrior.  He doesn’t have to wear braces anymore. If you don’t know, America Ninja Warrior features an obstacle course and you have to use your upper body strength to complete it. I am doing something like that with Cros.fit every Tuesday and every other Thursday. 

I remember when I was a kid I had to wear braces on my legs too. But I don’t know why I needed to wear them because I couldn’t walk on my own, only with help from others. I used to crawl around the house with the braces on my legs. the braces were pinching my bum, so I didn’t like them. One day I stopped wearing them and I started doing whatever I wanted to. Babies can walk at an early age as my two sisters did, but I was 13 years old when I finally got up to try to walk on my own. I remember one time when I was on the couch watching television and I needed to go to the bathroom; I thought I could try to take couple of steps and see how far I can go without falling. My mom would cautiously watch me from the kitchen but I didn’t care in the moment, I wanted to try to take a few steps on my own without falling. I began taking a step and another one and then two more steps and so on until I reached the bathroom. I felt like a baby taking her first wobbly steps. I know that sounds crazy at 13 years old, but if you were me in that moment you would’ve understood just how big of a deal it was. I will never forget that day. 

Today I can’t take steps anymore because of the mini stroke I had 7 years ago. As a result of the stroke, I have fallen a lot over the years and have split my head open. I still have scars on my head from this. Watching American Ninja Warriors, it got me thinking… if I keep working at it and doing cross fit, would I become as strong as him? Watching him, you would never know that he used to wear braces on his legs. I wonder if I continue to push myself and my body, will I be able to walk on my own again? Will I ever be able to do the same things I did before I had the mini stroke? I am inspired by the stories I hear of others, like this man on American Ninja Warriors, because it brings me hope and optimism. I have hope and optimism that I will be able to help my body heal in order to do things that I used to do, such as taking steps. I have hope and optimism that I will be able to grow and strengthen my body so that I can do even more than I could before. 

If this man could spend his childhood wearing braces on his legs, to now be competing on American Ninja Warrior, what does this mean to me? I was able to take steps on my own before, and now this is an obstacle that I am overcoming. Thinking back to that moment when I was 13 is something that is bittersweet. I wish I could relive it over and over again, but I also use it as motivation to continue to push myself. I know that one day I will be able to do even more than I could before I had the stroke. Everything takes time, patience, and effort. I am going to keep working out and building my strength and endurance. I aim to inspire myself and others. 

Here is my thoughts and feelings about having a disability!!

There are some good things and bad things about having Cerebral Palsy. For example, because I have Cerebral Palsy, I know a lot about myself and have learned a lot, but also, I talk like I’m fucking drunk and people don’t understand what I’m talking about. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. My cerebral palsy will not define me or hold me back from achieving anything that I want to do in my life. I am more than simply my disability. I am a sister, an auntie, and a friend. I am someone who can do anything she sets her mind to. 

I love my life and I have accomplished a lot of really amazing things in my life. I won’t ever be sorry for anything that I have done. I’m a blogger and a writer. I blog about things that are important to me and also things that I have done. I write short stories about things that I know very well, and that is people who have a disabilities. I’m not an existential writer but I am not going to stop writing. I started blogging in 2010 as just something new to do. I was creating a space for myself to be open and honest about my feelings and experiences. Blogging is something that brings me happiness, and lets me focus on my mental health by airing all my shit out. I enjoy the sense of community that it brings, and also that there is a chance that someone reading could relate to what I am going through, and see that they aren’t alone. 

But there is something inside me that I am feeling very strongly and I need to write about it. It is how people see people who have a disabilities like me. if they only took the time to get to know me, they would see that there is more to me. but they only want to see what they want to see. I feel like people don’t give me a chance by actually getting to know who I am as a person. If they did, they would see that there is a lot more to me than just my disability. Everyone has things that they cannot change about themselves, that they have to learn to adapt to and live with. For me, this is my disability. It is not something that I chose, but instead something that I must live with everyday. I am not defined by my disability, but it is a part of who I am. 

My experience with cerebral palsy is something that has good parts but also bad parts. I know that sometimes it can be a little hard to understand when I am speaking as a result of it, but I wish that people would try harder to meet me where I’m at. It drives me crazy when people ignore me and talk to whoever I am with because I am perfectly capable. I don’t like when I’m out in public and people stare at me. I understand to a point that not everyone has experience meeting people with disabilities, but I am still a human being. 

Now that I have finished my race, and don’t have anything planned in the near future, I am hoping to dedicate more of my time to writing and blogging. I want to continue to educate people about what life is like as someone with a disability, and also share my thoughts and feelings. I want to create my short stories as a more relatable and meaningful way to share my experiences, and the experiences of other people with disabilities and what they face on a daily basis. To me, writing and blogging are important pieces of my life, and I enjoy educating others about what it is like to be in my shoes. 

 

My Next Adventure!!

 I’m wondering to myself what is the next chapter in my life that I want to take on.  Not sure what I want to do but I want to challenge myself. My roommate said you could swim Vernon to Kelowna. My trainer asked what is my next challenge. She suggested to go to another swimming competition. It is another one in Kelowna that is in August every year. You have to swim 7km. To be honest I love being in the water because I can be free from knowing that I have a disability and think about whatever I want. I can be by myself with my thoughts.

Sometimes I am really wondering how my family and friends think about me and what I want to do with my life. I know sometimes I can give my mom a heartache but when  I put my mind on something I don’t give up. I believe that this is my life not anybody else’s, so I should be able to live it the way I want it to.

Five years ago I was on holiday with my family and the last night we were camping and then their was two guys who had disabilities. They were from Australia and they travelled in a van and were going all over the world and they do it for a living. Thinking back 7 years ago, when I had my mini stroke, I was in so much pain that I couldn’t believe that I had seen them and now I think about them right now that I’m writing another blog post. 

I would love to hop in a car and get out of here all by myself and don’t think about anybody or anything. I would like to travel around with my family and my friend. However, I think it would be more fun to go travelling around the world on my own. Going to places that I want to go to and see if I can get around on my own and meet people and see if I can get some help from them. Would they help or they would look at me and say WHAT THE FUCK. 

Sometimes I think about doing something like that and seeing how people react to me. I think people here have a good sense of taking time to talk to someone like me. I know people don’t understand me and I sound like someone who is drunk. Most of the time my family and friends don’t know what I’m talking about.

Anyway, I am working on a story about five people with disabilities and their lives after high school. I am trying to give to the world a glimpse of what living with a disability looks like. The story is called “How do you know right for wrong?”, as the characters go through traumatic experiences that changed their lives. Life is the balance between good and bad and it is similar for all humans. However, it can be harder on people with disabilities, especially if they don’t have the right support.