My Thoughts

 I have been a blogger for a while now and I have written a couple of powerful blog posts here on “Wheels About”. However, today I am sitting in Starbucks and I wonder “What would my life be like it I didn’t have disabilities”. That would mean my parents would have three normal kids. Would we be close? Don’t get me wrong I am happy with my life and proud of all I’ve accomplished. I am so grateful to be living with my best friend, and I’m writing a lot even though I’m not an amazing writer. Sometimes when it’s quiet and I’m lost in my thoughts, I feel like I should be doing more with my life. I don’t think about being married or having a family like my sisters do… But I do want to make a name for myself. I’m really inspired by Rick Hansen’s work, I’d like to make an impact like his someday. 

My disability affects all aspects of my life but all I can do is be myself and handle things as they come. When I talk to people they don’t know what I’m saying because I sound like a fucking drunk and it sounds funny!! It’s true and I can’t lie about that, you can ask my family and friends who know me very well! Sometimes I wish I didn’t talk like a fucking drunk and sounded like a normal person instead. 

Sometimes I feel like I lack in cognitive abilities and if I had more brains, maybe I’d be interested in college or university. After that, maybe I could get a full time job but would I be able to handle it? Would my heart be in it? 

I want to do more with my life and be a bigger advocate for people with disabilities. I’ve done a lot of cool stuff like jump off the Auckland Tower in New Zealand, and travel the world. I’ve also done my fair share of stupid stuff that was funny at the time. 

I know it’s common for people to be prejudice or make assumptions based on my wheelchair, so hopefully my advocacy will help “normalize” life with a disability. I have an idea to write a screenplay that’s a spin off of the show “Friends”; about 5 friends with different kinds disabilities. We’ll see if I can get that idea off the ground or not. Why not? I have nothing to lose. Maybe I could get more representation of people with disabilities on the big screen. 

Swimming

 Well it was my first time back in the water for a while.  I tell myself that I would take it easy to get back to where I was but that not was the case. I thought I would go for 10 laps but I went for 20. It  was good to get back swimming and feel like I can do anything that I put my mind too. 

But I feel like I am normal person and I am practicing for the Olympics… but I am not. Sometimes I look at the other people swimming and I wish I could swim like them but I keep on doing what I can! I push myself with everything I do in my life and I know it hurts me later. No pain no gain though haha 😆 I love the water, it makes me feel free!! I feel like I was a fish in a past life. Maybe I was a rainbow fish, something very unique that stands out in all the best ways. 

When I swim, even with a whole lane to myself… I’m never really alone. I always have my sister with me in my heart… even though we are so far apart, I feel that we have this bond when it comes to water. There are a lot of “shared experiences” that twins have and due to us being so different, I didn’t have as many “shared” experiences with my sister. However, the water makes both of us come alive in some unexplainable way. 

Hard

Good, I’m happy to back to the gym for now. But I’m kind of disappointed in myself for taking off two months. Just over two months. It’s been almost a year that I’ve been working out with a trainer. 

My trainer made me lift 10lbs and then 15lbs without any assistance. It’s called hoeing, you puta rope over a bar and then you put weights  on it. You try to pull it up to over the bar she helped me with the first one and then the second one was 10 lbs. in the middle of the rope they have tape around it about this long… this much is tape. It was good. The second and the third one I can pull it down on my own without any assistance. She added another Five lbs. she helped me with a 15 lbs weight. The second one I did it on my own. That one was ten lbs. I feel really proud of myself but I need a little help getting over the tape. I feel happy that I did it. And she let me. My big problem is my arm strength. If I do my arm curls fast I don’t actually work my muscles. I need to take my time. 

I feel bad that I can’t do it. I feel like my trainer showed me another side of myself that I never thought I could do anything like this. I feel proud of myself. I want to go farther than I am and what I can do. I know that when I, there and what I’m doing is helping me a lot. I know when I, working out it helps me in my day to day life. It helps me with my soccer and swimming and getting me around easier. 

What has changed about me? I feel like I have more confidence in myself. It feels like I can do more stuff on my own. When I work out with her she only sees me, not my disability. 

When I do it I have to put all of my might and my concentration onto holding onto the rope and pulling it because I’m pulling it up by myself. It feels like I’m there by myself and I don’t think about where I am or the world around me. All I’m thinking about is pulling the weight up. Everything falls out of my head, all I’m focused on is can I do it faster than before.  I have to hang on really tight and the rope feels rough in my hands. It hurts because I have to pull with all my upper body strength. I’m sitting down, everyone else does this exercise standing up. They can pull with everything in their body, but not me. With each pull of the rope my body feels like it’s ascending up a mountain. When I get to the top of the bar it feels like I finally repel down relax at the bottom… only to do it all over again. 

Hi Everybody, Happy New Year!

I know it's been a long two years of this covid shit… Well I hope to be back blogging every month next year. I know ths is the time of year when people get together with family and friends. I hope you all got to get together with your loved ones. I've been busy the last couple of months. I've gone back to swimming. I'm trying to get back into shape because I hope I can go to BC next summer and do the Okanagan swim across the lake. I need to do 42 laps in under 3 hours and I am at 30 laps in two hours and fifteen minutes. Before this covid shit I was in the pool doing 30 laps in two hours and thirty minutes  felt lke my life stopped. For me it felt like I needed to work out because if I wanted to get together with my friends and family I needed to be strong. If I don't work out I lose all my muscle and it's hard for me to be with my family and friends because I need my muscles to help me get around my parents house. I do all my transfers into and out of my parents' vehicle and in and out of bed by myself. I can't bring my motorized wheelchair with me and I have to use my manual one. That's why I have to work out. 

In the summer of 2020 I watched a show on TV called american ninja warrior. When I was watching it I had an idea that I wanted something like that for myself and other people who have disabilities. So one day I went online to see if there was anything like that in the city where I live. And there was but not for people who have disabilities. So I emailed them a little bit about myself and what I want and I told them that I have an idea. In february of 2021 I went to see them to talk about my idea. They were open to helping me. They wondered what I can do, so I showed them and they were very surprised by my capabilities and they offered me if to train with them. I said “yes”because at the time I couldn't get back in the water. I was going twice a week with my worker and I felt happy that I got back into shape.

Over the next couple of months I lifted up to 85 pounds! At the end of the summer I was feeling so confident at the gym with my trainer, I didn’t need my support worker anymore. In the fall I started swimming twice a week in addition to working out. I was also in soccer two evenings a week! I was very active and I loved it. After I do the swim across the lake, my next goal is to create a ninja warrior course that I can accomplish. That's what I'm working toward this year.

In November when I was swimming I felt a pain in my neck and I thought I strained it. The next morning it hurt so bad I emailed my trainer saying that I couldn’t make our session that day. I had to halt working out and swimming for the better part of two months. If you’ve been reading my posts for a while, you may recall a few years back when I had a stroke while I was at a very active time in my life. This current setback feels like the same thing is happening all over again. I don’t know why it always happens to me. I hate the pandemic but if it weren’t for everything being shut down I never would’ve found a personal trainer. I wouldn’t be as strong as I am today mentally and physically. In time, I know I’ll see the light at the end of this tunnel I’m in.. I’m just not quite there yet.