Tuesday, May 23, 2017

What is Understanding?

I read a blog today that gave me an idea... It made me think "What does it mean to Understand". By that I mean to understand an individual's experience of being in the world. We all have commonalities such as having disabilities or siblings or friends. But you can't understand what it's like to get in a fight with my sister even though you have your own. You can't understand what it's like to navigate the world in a wheelchair even though you have mobility problems. So why are people so quick to say "I understand exactly what you mean". Do you? Do you really? 

There is in fact a lot of stuff you simply cannot understand from my experience. If you have a family member or friend who has a disability, you might understand some of it from a third party point of view. You will never personally understand what it's like to wait for handibus all day, or constantly repeat yourself for others, or deal with all the stares. So why bother lying to both of us with the statement "I understand how you feel". Even if you have Cerebral Palsy and find yourself in a wheelchair, it's still not exactly the same experience I'm having. 

The statement "I understand how you feel" often comes from a well intended place, a person is often trying to be empathetic/ compassionate. But it's terribly unnecessary and will never be a true statement. In fact, it can sometimes feel belittling to the person on the receiving end. So let's try to erase that statement from our vocabulary. 

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Friendship or Dating?

At the age of 35 and living with Cerebral Palsy, I realized that dating is not a big deal to me. At least not in the same way it is for some others with disabilities. I wish that I had someone to hang out and chat with on the weekends. But rest assured, it's not the end of the world for me. Maybe I feel this way because nine years ago I got hurt by a handi bus driver. It made me be more cautious of the men I meet. Whether I meet someone online or in person, I feel I need to have my guard up and be careful.  

Don't get me wrong, I am not a man hater. I have a few good men in my life, they are family members and friends that I trust. As a woman, I have a responsibility to listen to my heart and also to guard it. Being in a wheelchair adds another layer of vulnerability to me. I would be a fool to not take that into consideration when men approach me. 

I know what you're thinking; "What if it was a man who also had a disability who approached me?" Well that has happened to me at least once before. A gentleman in a wheelchair who also lived in Calgary reached out to me. I had seen him at a few different places around town (including the hand-bus), but had never interacted with him. I knew he wasn't capable of physically hurting me in the same way. But I still felt quite nervous to hang out with him. Now we are friends. 

You know what would be really great? I think it would be great if Calgary had a dating service catered to individuals with disabilities. Perhaps it could include people who are looking for friendship or companionship as well. Maybe there could be extra safety measures taken to ensure everyone's health and safety needs are being met. Someone should take this idea and run with it!

Oh No You Didn't Just..!!

If you've spent some time around me, you'll know that I have a tendency to raise my voice. Especially if I'm excited about something, or having a good laugh. I'm not trying to be loud or disruptive, it's just part of who I am. One of my quirks I suppose. 

This usually doesn't get me into trouble when I'm out in public; however last week was a different story... I was with my worker at the mall. We were chatting and there was a lady sitting across from us, facing my worker's back. While we were talking I got a little loud and the lady sitting at the table across from us looked at me and placed her finger over her lip as if to say "shhh". I wanted to go over to her and say "What is your problem? Can I talk to my worker in a public place?' But instead I was silently offended and chose to let it roll off my back. I kept talking and I still got that look from her. I didn't want to make a big deal about this, so my worker and I moved to another place. 

Now I regret not speaking up for myself. It's hurtful! If I was an able-bodied person having a belly laugh, would I have gotten the same response? It is a mall after all, not a library or a theatre. Would it not be more appropriate for her to move somewhere else? At 10:30am it is a pretty empty place. If I have learned anything from this, it would be to let her ignorance fuel my fire. The next time someone makes me feel like I don't belong, I will gladly correct them.