Personal Reflection

Who I am: My name is Shawna Mattinson, and I have cerebral palsy. I am a writer blogger, and I write about my feelings and thoughts on what is on my mind. And what matters most to me, and I stress that I write letters to the mayors and the prime ministers of Alberta to get my voice heard. And also I have written a couple of short stories regarding someone who has a disability. Every so often I think about having the confidence of sending them away and seeing if I could find someone who wants to help me  publish them, but I don’t feel confident enough in my ability in my writing. A couple of years ago my friend and I went to watch a play, and this was put on by a young woman about her life and her family. It was so powerful and inspiring, and I have thought about the play a lot these past weeks. So I did more writing on my life, and I did a part of my life that  was a bit difficult for me because I was ashamed of myself, but I thought that I had to be more creative and honest with my writing. So I thought about it, and then I just opened up my iPad and started typing what was on my mind, and I was being more open and honest. 

Being honest, I am not convinced that my writing is good or honest. There is a guy who was blind, and he died a few years ago, and he was a blogger. Every time I read his blog, I find I can relate to him, and I believe he was an excellent writer. 

When I listen to music there are some songs that I really like and they have some powerful lyrics. Then I think of sitting down and writing something into lyrics but I don’t think of it like that I don’t have the talent for that. But I wrote a poem about my life living in a wheelchair. I wonder if I stayed in the normal classroom would I have more knowledge in my mind. Would I be able to go to college or university and get a degree in something that I could do in my life. I know that I don’t have the knowledge like some other people who have a disability. 

I just wonder what it would be like if I didn’t have a disability. Don’t get me wrong I love my life and I’m so lucky of what I got to do with my life. Here are my thoughts and feelings about having cerebral palsy, and I will be truly honest with my thoughts and feelings on this matter. A part of having a disability is sucking, and every so often I think about my life without having a disability. Don’t get me wrong, I love my life, and I am grateful for everything that I can do, like travel and get to see other places around the world. Like Japan, Mexico, Hawaii, Australia, and New Zealand, I jumped off the Sky Tower in Auckland. I have travelled to different countries, and it was wonderful to experience, but it’s not easy for someone who has a disability like me. 

Sometimes I want to go to get my high school diploma because I only really got a modified diploma when I graduated from high school in 1999. A part of me wanted to get it because I wanted to go to university and get a degree in psychology. But I am not sure if I can do that work because I feel stupid in my head I feel like I don’t have the knowledge to do this. I also feel that I should just keep working on my writing and see if I can be a playwright or screenwriter.

Sometimes I just want to put my work on my blog and see if anyone knows of anyone who is interested in publishing my work. But on the other hand I know that I am not a  good enough writer yet  to get someone who wants to read my works.   

Sometimes I imagine that I am Shawna’s Mattinson without having a disability but I do have a disability. But my disability does not define who I am or what I want in my life!

My trip to Japan 🇯🇵

Last year in September I went on a 53-day cruise to Japan with my best friend and some of her friends and it was amazing but before we left I didn’t want to go there. Japan wasn’t on my list of places to go and I didn’t know how accessible it would be. I got around the cruise ship on my own with my little electric wheelchair so I can be independent. Sometimes I just went on the back deck and just sat there thinking about life 

The cruise ship was accessible; my friend got a wheelchair friendly room for us, but it wasn’t easy for us because it felt so small for us and I had two wheelchairs. So we had parked my wheelchairs in the washroom. It was a tight fit. if one of us needed the washroom then the other one had to stay in bed to be out of the way. We also needed to move the wheelchairs into the room before using the washroom. It was a really painful situation to live in that room for 53 days. We started in Alaska and then made our way to Japan. Our room got really uncomfortable to sleep in, and something was making noise in the middle of the night, so we went to the front desk to check if we could get another room. Then they said that they would have to check if we could get a new room. They allowed us to sleep in an available interior cabin ( no window) and we kept most of our belongings in the original room. This one felt more spacious than the original room. Aside from having a large door, I didn’t find the first room very accessible at all. 

Our room was on the first floor and it was the first one going down the narrow hallway and I had to park sideways to use the keycard. It was very difficult for me to get into our cabin because when the door opened I had like a minute of getting in the room and then the door will shut. But for me I took my other electric wheelchair and it kind of has a mind of its own. l get the wheels turned the right way to get into the room before the door will shut on me. But it was not easy for me because my hand is not working like a normal person’s hand. It usually took me a few tries to get the key into the hole before I got it. Sometimes when I struggled people walking by would ask if I wanted some help and it was so nice.  

Sometimes when I wheeled around on the ship or played cards with my friend and her friends there were some people that came up to me and gave me a hug without asking. Or they touched me and said you are so adorable and I would love to say “fuck off you don’t know me and I don’t want you coming into my space. How would you feel if I walked up to you give you a hug without asking you first? I bet you would feel uncomfortable and you would tell me “what are you doing? “ Or “Excuse me, this is my space.” I know I have a disability but I’m not a fucking dog that you can come up to and do whatever you want and just walk away.  That makes me so mad and angry and I just wanted to stand up and say something but I didn’t want to be rude and it was my holiday. 

Every day that we were on land we were on a tour of the city and it was not easy for me to get on the bus and off the bus and I had my best friend to help me. Sometimes I just sat on the bus and let her get off and look around and take pictures. I don’t like that I can’t get up and go and explore Japan.  Getting up on to the bus I held on to the railing and I walked up the stairs and if I had to stop my friend was there behind me if I needed help with anything. We were in the front row and that was helpful. I needed to leave lots of time to get on and off the bus. And then we waited until the people got off but then when I decided to get off some places like we were going to be for a hour or two then the other people had to wait until I get off because if not then we would not have known where we would be going because we had a someone who showed us around.  

 

Some nights we went to the Rolling Stone Lounge to listen to a band. There was a band who played all the kinds of songs.  They played every night and they had two shows one on at 6 to 8 and the other one from 8 to 10. We went at 8 because we had dinner at 5:15 and it we get out of the dining room around 7:30 and then we go to the show. It is takes me about a little bit longer to eat because I need someone to feed me because I don’t have a hands mobility. Sometimes when I go out for dinner with family and friends I am ashamed of eating out in public because I eat with my mouth open. I know it is not easy to eat in public with family and friends and I don’t want to make them uncomfortable with me. I know it’s not my fault but it’s not easy to go out with them because how I feel when I see other people with their intentions.

I love to cruise because it lets me travel around the world but it’s not easy for someone who has a disability like me. I did a few cruise and when I went on my first cruise to Alaska with my best friend and her brother for 7 days. His wife and him had been cruising for a while and they were going on a cruise for 36 days to New Zealand and around Australia and then go to Vancouver. My friend and I wanted to go with them so her brother told us that we wanted to go with them then we tried cruising to see if we would like it. 

So we went to Alaska and we shared a room with my friend brother and it was a regular room and the door to the room wasn’t bigger to get my regular wheelchair to get through. And the bathroom was a regular room with two single beds and a pulled out couch and a bathroom which a step up to use the bathroom and it was hard to move around in it. So my friend and I had the beds and her brother was on the couch. I had to go get on my knees to get around the room but when we were out for the day I had to go into the hallway to get into my wheelchair. We didn’t get an accessibility room because it was only 7 days. At the time I was able had mobility and could walk with help. But now it’s not easy for me to get down on my knees and cross around after having a mini stroke 9 years. 

I love to cruise and I will keep on cruising for as  long as I can. But I know that my next trip is going to be last cruise and it will be so special to me because it will be with my best friend, to celebrate our 30 year friendship anniversary. My next cruise is going to be in the next three years around New Zealand and Australia.