What People Think When They Look at Me

Today my friend and I were on the c-train going downtown. Sitting across from was a young lady, well dressed and likely on her way to a meeting.  She said "Hi' to me with that gooey eyed look in her eyes like when you greet a child. I respectfully said "Hi" back and then continued chatting with my friend... I didn't engage with her further because she kind of rubbed me the wrong way. My friend and I were chatting and laughing (I'm hilarious after all) and she tried to join in laughing with us... Then she said to my friend "She has a great sense of humour"! I don't think she knew I was telling her a really funny story, she just assumed I was "making noises" and laughing. I shot her an unimpressed look when she said that and my friend and I just carried on our conversation.  

Here's the thing, I don't believe she had any bad intentions... she may have thought I was a child, or at least quite young, if she didn't hear/understand my words she may have thought I don't have much cognitive ability. She was trying to be friendly and inclusive, but in a bit of a forced way. She didn't pick up on my dead pan look to her and back off a little. My friend kept asking me questions to demonstrate to her that I am a fully cognitive and aware (adult) person. 

This can be a really delicate situation because you don't want to shame somebody or make them feel bad because they don't understand who you are.  Would it have been better to say to her face that I am a fully functioning adult person? Or just continue demonstrating that with my friend? 

I don't care what people think about me, but don't assume that my disability defines me in this world. 

Oh No You Didn't Just..!!

If you've spent some time around me, you'll know that I have a tendency to raise my voice. Especially if I'm excited about something, or having a good laugh. I'm not trying to be loud or disruptive, it's just part of who I am. One of my quirks I suppose. 

This usually doesn't get me into trouble when I'm out in public; however last week was a different story... I was with my worker at the mall. We were chatting and there was a lady sitting across from us, facing my worker's back. While we were talking I got a little loud and the lady sitting at the table across from us looked at me and placed her finger over her lip as if to say "shhh". I wanted to go over to her and say "What is your problem? Can I talk to my worker in a public place?' But instead I was silently offended and chose to let it roll off my back. I kept talking and I still got that look from her. I didn't want to make a big deal about this, so my worker and I moved to another place. 

Now I regret not speaking up for myself. It's hurtful! If I was an able-bodied person having a belly laugh, would I have gotten the same response? It is a mall after all, not a library or a theatre. Would it not be more appropriate for her to move somewhere else? At 10:30am it is a pretty empty place. If I have learned anything from this, it would be to let her ignorance fuel my fire. The next time someone makes me feel like I don't belong, I will gladly correct them. 

Take a picture.. It'll last longer

This morning when I got to the gym and waited for my friend, there were a couple of kids that came in and stopped in the middle of the lobby and looked at me. It was kind of sad and it made me uncomfortable to be stared at. I know that they don't understand that it's not right to look at people for an extended period of time... But I just wanted to say "What the hell are you looking at"? She honestly stood there and stared at me for what felt like two minutes. Then she started walking away to catch up with her mom further ahead all the while her head was turned back at me. 

It feels like people are looking at me every 5 minutes today. I don't know why. Has anyone ever seen a person in a wheelchair talking to their friends? Is that shocking? I don't get that. I seem to elicit two different reactions from being in a wheelchair. Either someone will unconsciously stare me down like an alien... or they will do the apologetic "avert the eyes" where they immediately look away after noticing you're in a wheelchair to prevent them from staring. I get this all the time and I'm used to it but sometimes it pisses me off. Sometimes I want to say something or look at them the way they look at me. 

All I'm trying to say is it's ok to notice me, it's ok to see me. I'm a person who deserves the same respect of personhood like everyone else. Staring at me or pretending I don't exist are equally inappropriate responses to me sharing a public space with you.