Body

Good day Everybody!

I hope everyone had an awesome summer! I know I did. I went to B.C. and saw some of my family for a couple of weeks. Many of the people I visited I haven't seen in several years, so it was an extra special trip. 

I've received several comments from followers regarding my journey to walking; in particular they would like to see more videos of my progress. I am still working out but my walking is... well, it's hard to explain... I would love to keep on walking, but after my ministroke I went downhill. I have had a lot of pain in my lower back in the last couple of months so I went to the doctor and a chiropractor to help me out. As it turns out, my left hip sits higher than my right hip! So I have some extra padding on my right side (inside of a brace I have to wear full time). That's right, I have to wear my brace all day everyday. 

Right now I'm practicing standing on my two feet because that's what I can manage. My left leg often floats up when I try to stand because my quad muscle is very tight on that side. This season of life is teaching me to relax and take my time. What is your life teaching you these days? 

I have a disability, but that's not going to define who I am...

There are a lot of things I can't do, I could make a whole list but I won't get into it. Beyond the things I can't do, I feel like there are a lot of things I feel I don't understand.. Like I lack the mental capacity to understand them. I don't know if it's the real truth, or if it's just my belief? I often feel like I am lacking or less than others. Sometimes for strange reasons like not being in relationship or having my own family. I don't even desire these things at the moment, but it's difficult not to compare myself to others.

 I land on a spectrum of Cerebral Palsy, there are things I'm capable of doing like getting out of my chair and walking. However, there are others with Cerebral Palsy who can obtain degrees and full time jobs and I feel like those things are out of reach for me. This isn't a rant hoping for encouragement or sympathy, I'm just being honest about how I feel. 

The last couple of years have been pretty tough. I felt in limbo and like I wasn't accomplishing a lot. I was knocking on a lot of doors that wouldn't open. I was writing some but I didn't feel passionate about it. My mini stroke left me feeling more disabled and vulnerable, I wondered "would I ever get my independence back"? I relied on people to help me more than I wanted too. Friends, even this period of my life was a gift to me. It opened my eyes, it made me want to live life to the fullest! I wanted to take more chances!! Tomorrow isn't promised so get out and LIVE!!! I need to tell my story. I want it to serve others on their journey. 

No matter what goes on in my life. I am so grateful for who I am and who I'm becoming...

Listen To Life

I went to a play on Thursday night by myself. It was really more of a live experience than a play. You weren't so much watching actors play characters, you were witnessing people share their stories. It got me thinking about life and how every experience is teaching us something.

I've been reflecting on times that I knew something was wrong or "off" but I didn't pay attention. One of those times was when I got taken advantage of on a handibus. I mean I had to get home and it was my only option to get there. But I remember a moment before I even got on that the man looked at me with an unsettling eye. That was my clue, that was my whisper that something bad was about to happen. I am not about to victim blame myself, it was not my fault. But I do want this story to illustrate how subtle these little messages can be. 

Sometimes you're in a relationship and there are small indicators that the other persons heart doesn't quite belong to you. Or maybe you brush off their possessiveness and jealousy as care and protection. Sometimes you feel something in your gut but you choose to shove it down or deny that it exists. It's there for a reason. 

Particularly if you're an individual with a disability, you are required to put a lot of trust in the people around you. Your family, friends, and caregivers. Sometimes we need to be reminded to listen to ourselves. The honest truth, deep in your soul. The one that makes the hairs of your neck standup and gives you bad butterflies in your stomach. 

Always listen to yourself first....

Trying New Things! (Hope in Despair)

If you've been following my blog for a while, you'll probably remember that around this time last year I had a mild stroke. This news left me shocked and uncertain about my future as I approached my mid thirties. I have a very entrepreneurial spirit. I want to do everything I can as well as I can and push myself to the limits. This has helped me live a very full life and I'm glad I have such a "can do" attitude. However, it can leave me feeling burned out and exhausted from trying to do so much. My stroke was supposedly caused from a cumulative number of falls I've had in my lifetime... But in my eyes, it was a wake up call. I still haven't fully recovered from it. I often lack energy to do much in my day. But that's ok. In fact, I see it as a blessing disguise. I have been forced to rest, and enjoy each moment I have. 

This can sometimes make me feel like I am "behind" in life, or like I should be in a different place by now. Like I should heal faster or something! Western society rewards perpetual business, the only thing that matters is a full schedule. Well, I just can't keep up. Slowly but surely I am becoming comfortable with resting and just being. I am giving up walking for now, my body just can't handle it. But, I'm going to try some new things! I discovered a wheelchair bike and I'd love to try it out! Kickboxing has also recently grabbed my attention, I want to give it a go! I hadn't even thought about these new ideas before I had to slow down. 

So if you are feeling "stuck" or "behind" or "frustrated" with where you're at in life, I hope you are encouraged by this blog. Take time to reconnect with yourself and discover new opportunities from where you are at right now. This season, whatever it looks like for you is a gift... even if it's hard to see it that way right now. Don't lose hope!