Twenty Years of Giving Thanks!

Speaking about what I am grateful for in my life comes up every year at Thanksgiving.  I can't just quickly say thanks for the past twenty years because it is not merely about the past twenty years, I am thankful for my whole life, especially for my family.  They are a big part of my life and I don't know what I would do without them.

Recently we celebrated Thanksgiving.  It was a great time.  I went to Lacombe on Saturday with my mom, my sister and my nephew and one of my nieces. We visited my godparents and their families.  My dad was working but I wished that he could be there.  I am thankful for our godparents because they are no different than blood relatives.  My family has limited relatives that live close by. So when I visit my godparents I am so thankful to spend time with them. 

Now that my sisters are married they have their own family and this means I am an aunt to four little ones.  I have three wonderful nieces and an amazing little nephew.   I am so honored to have them in my life. 

Sometimes when I see people who have challenges in life or who are physically impaired in some way, I wonder if they are fortunate like me.  It makes me consider if they have a wonderful family who is always there and loves them for who they are, like my family; or has a family decided to give up their child. Maybe someone thought they couldn’t handle being parents to someone who has a disability.  Perhaps the parents decided it was best to put the person in a home and neither one sees the other again.  This is a sad and tragic situation and I am grateful every day that I am with my parents and my siblings. 

When I turned eighteen, I decide to move into a group home.  At the time this location was a good transition to living an independent life.  I wanted to move out and it was an adventure.  I am so happy I can do anything that I want and I know it.  What I did with my life like going back to school and getting a diploma in Web Graphic Design is amazing to me.  This has opened many doors and has validated my beliefs about the opportunities that I can create in my life.  I am grateful to have taken the risk. 

Some people don’t have the support and the opportunity to make their own choices.  I believe that everyone has the right to choose in life.   I also believe that the best choices we make are greatly influenced by the support in our family and in our society.  The support I have had in the past twenty years of my life I am thankful for.   

The Art of Friendship

Over my life I have determined that there are a lot of different types of friends.  Some people think that girls and boys can’t be friends because romance seems to get in the way.  I had relationships with guys without romantic feelings, just common interests and respect for each other.  As school kids, growing up we can make many friends and some are merely acquaintances.  Special relationships can last for years.  These people are our “best” friends. 

People with life challenges or disabilities, as they are more commonly known, can have friendships with people that don’t have disabilities.  I am of the belief that most people have some type of disability – maybe not a noticeable one, but to some extent everyone has a degree of a disability in their life…life is challenging in a variety of ways.

I moved into a group home in Calgary 13 years ago and I have made several friends since then.  Some were roommates, some were participants in recreation programs and some were my caregivers.  When I was in school I had school chums, but not kids that I would hang out with outside of school.  Some of that was because of my disability and the fact that I had mobility issues. 

Friends come and go out of my life and that is fine with me.  I think that is pretty common for most people.  Sometimes, I have a bit of a harder time making friends because people tend to pre-judge me based on my disability.  For example, sometimes people won’t speak to me and instead they will talk to the person that is with me and ask them questions about what I might like or what I think.  At times it is very obvious that people feel sorry for me.   I won’t lie it is disappointment when people behave that way.  I often think the person is judging me as less capable than I actually am and although I am grateful they care, I would prefer they have a positive attitude and assume the best. The reality is I choose to always be surrounded by people who assume the best and I would not want to befriend someone who is a negatively focused person.  Consequently, I have some amazing friends who are in my life because they want to be.  The people who are currently in my life don’t tell me what to do or say because I can make those decisions for myself.  I am my own person and I live my life the way I choose.  I have room in my life for people who want to support me as I support them…friends of all ages from young to old.  In fact, many of my friends are not my own age.  They bring a variety of experiences to my life and a broad perspective to living. There is no better feeling than learning from someone who has already been down a particular road and has the wisdom to light the way.  My friends of different ethnic back grounds, broaden my horizons and help to fill my life with diversity. 

We all have busy lives and we all need friends.  Life would be very lonely if we had to spend it without people to share our accomplishments, our gifts, our sorrows and most of all our love.  

My thoughts and feelings about being handicapped!!

My name is Shawna Mattinson.  I am 32 year old woman and I was born with Cerebral Palsy.  I remember wondering at various times in my life, what my life would be like without CP.  Would I be the same young lady that I am today ? Would I be still living in Calgary or somewhere else? Would I be married and have a my own family like my two sisters have? These are some of the questions that I pose to myself.  Don't get me wrong.  I love my life and I am so grateful for all I have.  A voice inside me has presented the idea that somehow my life would be better if I did not have CP.   Right now, I know who I am with CP but if I had a chance to change this part of me I would be afraid because I am a girl who has a great life.  Do I want more?  Sure I do!  The next reality is, would I be willing to trade what I have now in exchange for a fantasy of what life could be like?.....that I'm not so sure about.
Their are a lot of people who have a disability who have written a book about their life and share all their accomplishments.   CP is a big part of me and it has shaped many choices I have made, but I do not want it to shape everything in my life.  This what I want to be able to pass on to others.  I want to show people around me that I am more similar than I am different.  Having a unique characteristic is not supposed to be a negative is it?  When we teach our children to be welcoming and accepting of others, we would not say.....only if they are like everyone else....would we?
There are some medical options for people with CP.  One consideration is current research studies that involve Deep Brain Stimulation.   Thinking about the possibility of removing CP from my life makes me think about losing a  part of myself.  I consider how my life would be changed forever in a very big way.  In some ways it could be like losing limbs that you have lived with all your life.  No one would choose to have their body drastically altered, yet I am sure many people think that a life without CP is automatically better than a life with CP.  This is more true I believe for a baby than it might be for an adult person.  However, I know people with CP that would disagree with me.   The key point in all of this is that my perspective is important and also the knowledge that I have a family that supports my views is very significant in my life.

I remember looking at my two sisters and sometimes I would feel like something is missing from my life because I would compare my life to theirs.   Part of me would become resentful if I started thinking I have less because I have a disability and they are normal.  If I would be a normal girl like my two sisters, I would tell myself we would be closer...... like normal sisters.  Like my relationship with my twin sister Susan went we were growing up we did not get along so well.  I convinced myself that she hated to have a twin sister who is handicapped.  I also told myself my parents were in pain when they did not see us getting along.  To make matters worse, I would often tell myself that my parent's lives would be absolutely much better without a child with a handicap.  The reality is that my family loves me deeply and wants me to be all that I want to be in my life as an independent woman and I don't know where I would be without the love from my family.  I do not believe I would be the same person without them.  I am so lucky to have a wonderful family and they are a big part of me. 

Christmas Time

Merry Xmas to everyone and I hope everyone is able spend the holidays with loved ones. My Xmas is coming early for my family and me.  It will be wonderful to spend time with my parents and my two sisters and their families in Banff.  My family and I are having our Xmas early because my dad has to work over the holiday. I want to wish everyone a Merry Xmas and Happy New Year. I will do more blogs next year. Happy Holidays!

The New Year

Next year will be good year for me. I feel like I really know what I want do with my life. I know that I always say, “what if I didn't have CP” but I know now that I have to stop thinking “what if”! I’ve wanted to try to change my life for a long time. I was on a road and now I’m figuring out if this is the right path for me. I have three things that I want to do next year.  I want to get a job in web design and nothing will stop me. I also want to do more freelance work for web design and get my book publish in order to get out my story.  It is time for me to move on and show people that I have a disability and that not will not stop me from getting what I want for my life.

Job Search

After working at Edebit Global Corp. for two years, I’ve spent the last four months off because they didn’t have any work for me. I made the hard decision on Monday and I email my boss to tell her that I wanted her to let me go. It is not right for me to keep working at a company after being off for four month without work. I did not quit before now because I was waiting to see if my boss would give me more work. At first, my boss gave me time off because I was working for my twin sister and her hubby. And then I started send out resume to look for a new job when there was still no work at Edebit. I redid my web portfolio and then put an advertisement on Kijiji to see if I could get more freelance work doing websites. I still kept looking for a new job and I won't stop looking until I find one, but a little part of me is scared that I won't get another other job like Edebit. My co-worker at Edebit taught me like one of the team so I am scared if I get a new job the people won't teach me like a normal person not a girl who has a disability. I know in my heart I will get another job but it will take time to fine the right job for me. When I get it, I have to show people who I am and what I can do with my disability. I am Shawna Mattinson and I am aiming for a brighter future in web design!!!